the challenges we're facing
by Marvelgeek42
Summary: He takes a deep breath. "I'd like to know for certain." "Of course," Dr. Hosack responds. [Trans!Pregnancy]
1. my life is gonna be fine (cause you're--

**David Hosack is "a doctor that he knew", if you catch my drift.**

 **Isabella is Isabella Graham, one of Eliza's friends. Interestingly enough, her mother's maiden name was Hamilton.**

 **The working title for this was "trans alex is pregnant (and also a mess but what else is new)".**

* * *

 ** _my life is gonna be fine (cause you're in it)_**

* * *

"Are you okay?" John asks as Alexander returns to the kitchen. John wearing an apron declaring that he likes to fuck _gender roles, heteronormativity and my boyfriend_ and is making breakfast — he is, objectively, the best cook out of the three of them, after all — and Eliza is double checking her plan for the day at the nursery. "It's at least the fifth time you've been sick this past week."

"Yeah," Alexander nods. "I must have caught a stomach bug or something."

"Given your stress levels, I would not be surprised if you have a weak immune system," Eliza agrees, absently finishing her own plate. She could also mention how his childhood is far from ideal for even building a strong one — his kindeys are enough proof of that, certainly — but she doesn't and Alexander looks thankful for that. John certainly would be in his place.

"Do me a favor and get it checked out by a doctor," John requests as he places the eggs and bacon on the table in front of Alexander.

"I can't," Alex responds. "I don't have the time."

"Please," John deadpans. "We all know that not only you're ahead of your work by a week, but George would give you the day off for this any time."

"Not to forget the insurance will pay for it," Eliza points out. "Please, Alex, I know you're not a big fan of doctors or hospitals, but if you get it checked out now, you might avoid a longer stay further down the road while doing so."

Alex sighs, pushing the food on his plate around. "Alright. But only so you stop nagging me."

John looks at Eliza. "As good a reason as any I'd say."

Eliza agrees, then she shuffles her papers together and stands up. "I'm sorry, but I have to run now. Isabella has to head to work early today and I promised her I'd open half an hour early." She kisses both of them goodbye and heads out of the door.

"You want something else?" John asks when he notices that Alex has taken perhaps one bite during the entire time.

"I'm just not hungry," Alex responds, pushing his plate away slightly. "Sorry."

"It's alright. Do you need a run to the doctor?" John is, after all, the only one out of the two of them with a license.

Alex shakes his head. "Nah, it's fine. I'll take the subway."

"If you say so."

* * *

"What do you think, Dr. Hosack?" Alexander questions. He's desperate to get out of here as soon as possible. Every time he's here, he again thanks the universe that Hosack is able to understand him when he rambles.

"Well, Mr. Hamilton, given the symptoms you described, the most obvious explanation would be that you are pregnant."

"I'm sorry, _what_?" Alexander exclaims in shock.

"The last check-up revealed that the reproductive system you were born with remains functional. Unless that changed in the meantime, the hormone replacement therapy would not have any effect on the ability to conceive if the needed requirements for such a thing to occur are met. Going by the look on your face, I will proceed to assume that that is the case."

"Yes," Alexander responds, trying to avoid thinking about the things he, John, and Eliza had done in the bedroom. And occasionally other places. Oh fuck, the more he thinks about it, the more plausible this whole thing seems.

He takes a deep breath. "I'd like to know for certain."

"Of course," Dr. Hosack responds

* * *

Eliza arrives back home to find Alexander pacing back and forth in the flat. The fact that he's not working is bad enough — on some level — but that combined with the fact that he had been at the doctor's earlier…

"Please don't tell me you're dying," she says instead of a greeting.

"That was my response, too," John comments, likely trying to make light of the situation which Eliza appreciates. "He wouldn't tell me anything until you're here."

"Well, I'm here now," Eliza points out. She moves to the couch and sits down next to John.

"I know," Alexander states. "I'm just… nervous. Confused."

That certainly does nothing to calm Eliza, but she knows that showing her worry is not the ideal thing in this situation. "Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together."

"We just can't help if we don't know what the problem is," John adds.

"I'm… I'm…" Alexander takes a deep breath and stops in place. Now Eliza can see that he is shaking. "Hosack says I'm _pregnant_."

"That's… unexpected," John manages to say after a moment and Eliza has to agree. Given the fact that her uterus decided to not and all of them had tested negative for HIV and such, they had decided that they could sometimes not use contraceptives. They had all assumed that Alex's hormone therapy would prevent him from becoming pregnant, but apparently they had been wrong.

"Do you know what you want to do now?" Eliza asks.

"Not at all," Alexander responds.

"Well, it's your choice," John states. "You'd be the one doing all the heavy lifting, after all."

Eliza nods in agreement. It's his body. "You also don't have to decide now," she reminds him, "though of course you can."

"I don't think I can. Decide now, that is," Alex lets himself fall on the couch with them. "There's just too many things. Time, finances, space, and dysphoria just being the obvious examples." Eiza knows that there's more than that to it. Him being an orphan certainly suggested it.

"If it comes to that, then we'll work something out," Eliza promises.

"And if not, then the same is true." John nods. They're all well aware that any abortion clinic is not the safest place to be.

"Thanks, guys," Alex mutters. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Crash and burn," Eliza deadpans. "That's true for you, too, John," she adds when he starts laughing.

"At least I can cook!"

"I can iron clothes though, which you can't," Alex argues.

"I was more talking about the fact that your self preservation skills are not exactly the best," Eliza interrupts with a laugh.

John and Alex exchange a look that she knows means they realize her point. They begin to laugh, too, and in that moment Eliza realizes that she certainly wouldn't oppose to a baby joining them.

* * *

 **I'm not saying that I won't continue, but I'm also not saying that I will continue.**

 **Yelling at me in reviews or on my tumblr ( marvelgeek42) increases the chances, to a point.**


	2. i'm a little nervous (i can't show it)

**Yeah, so I'm going to try and make this a monthly thing.**

 **Word Count: 1,015**

* * *

 _ **i'm a little nervous (i can't show it)**_

* * *

The fact that Alexander had not gotten much sleep that night barely seems worth mentioning, considering it's not exactly unusual and all, but nevertheless it happens and for a change it's not because he's working or haunted by nightmares.

Unless the fears of turning into an equally neglectful parent the likes of his father classify. Considering Alexander had not been sleeping but simply lying between John and Eliza and staring at the ceiling when these thoughts refused to leave his brain, he doesn't think they do. Of course that doesn't make it any less terrifying and he has no even decided whether or not he's going to actually become a father at all.

John insists on driving him to his job at Washington's law firm after nausea prevents Alex from eating breakfast this morning, because, as he had put it "I can't trust you not to walk into traffic in this state."

Eliza had also refused to leave until she had seen him pack a lunch bag she deemed acceptable and Alexander will not be surprised if it turns out she had gotten someone to check he actually eats all of it the minute she had been out of his earshot.

As a consequence of not walking to work, he arrives even earlier than he normally does — John has to be at the vet's on time after all and Washington gave Alex a key once his habits became noticeable — which gives him the chance to get some work done that he normally would have the evening before.

He's certainly not going to tell his colleagues of his situation until he has made has made a decision, perhaps not even then, so he needs to keep up appearances. It's easier than it could be, because Alexander has his own office that he had gotten in large parts because the other workers hadn't been able to cope with his work ethic and had nominated him for one when the chance arrived.

Not to forget that being here and _not_ doing work isn't even an option, honestly.

Alex turns on the radio and gets to work. He works mostly on the cases of his clients, but occasionally he jots down some notes about the one or other topic on the news so he can write about it on his blog, _themodernfederalist_ , later. His notes are usually around a paragraph or two, so not all that long, but considering the approximately seven hundred Republican candidates for next year's presidential election and all of their horrible opinions on numerous important topics, it quickly adds up.

Trump gets a whole page to himself already, as he does pretty much every week, just on the basis of things that have happened in the meantime.

The day he returns into political irrelevance cannot arrive soon enough, if you ask Alexander and he knows he is far from the only one of that opinion. Like, you know it's bad when Jefferson of all people agrees with him on something.

After an hour or so, first Washington and then the other employees begin arriving. They've stopped looking at him like Alex like he is insane a while ago; they're used to him now.

He does get a comment or two about him taking a sick day yesterday, but he manages to hold them off fairly well, since Madison avoids him to avoid catching it — not that that is possible — and so does Jefferson by extension. The two of them and Washington are the only ones who know him well enough to be able to tell.

The day mostly goes by like usual and Alexander thinks he's done a fairly good job at hiding his inner turmoil during Tilghman's presentation.

Or at the very least that's what he had thought until Washington later comes by to his office to check on him. That's a fairly big hint that he had not actually done as well as he had thought.

"Hamilton, are you alright?" he asks, awkwardly leaning in the doorway.

"I am healthy enough to work, if that is what you're getting at, Sir," Alexander replies, perhaps a bit more harshly than he should, considering the other man is his employer.

"That's... _not_ what 'I'm getting at'," Washington says with a sigh. "You seem a different sort of stressed than usual."

"I'm not stressed," he protests immediately.

"Alexander, _please_ ," Washington deadpans. "Both of us know that is not the truth."

"I'm _fine_ ," Alexander insists. And he is, or at least as much as he usually is, anyway. He just has something else to think about. It's only then that he notices that his free hand is hovering near his abdomen, causing him to remove it from there too hastily to be subtle.

Washington opens and closes his mouth multiple times, clearly unsure of how to respond. Eventually he settles on "Do John and Eliza know?"

Since denying anything is going on at all does not seem to be an option, Alexander tells the truth. "They do."

"Can I do anything to help?"

"No," Alexander shakes his head, "no, it's just a decision I have to make. It will not influence my behaviour in court."

Washington sighs again and pinches the bridge of his nose, something that Alex cannot explain to himself. "I'm not going to make you tell me what the problem is, but based on, let's say a hunch, I'm going to suggest — and let me make it clear that this is a suggestion and not an order — that you speak to Lafayette about this decision you have to make." Then he straightened and turned around. "I'll leave you to it. Good luck."

"Thanks, I guess," Alexander replies, watching as his boss leaves. Talking to Lafayette actually doesn't seem like a bad idea, after all, xey is the only person Alexander knows who has been in a similar situation.

Since he's going to be debating that for a while, he might as well take his lunch break, Alexander decides. If nothing else it'll calm John and Eliza down immensely.


	3. i'm not afraid

**Funny how that monthly update thing turned out, huh?**

 **Also why can't I align things to the right? This is far from the first time it has bothered me.**

 **Word Count: 1,374**

* * *

 _ **i'm not afraid**_

* * *

It is during his lunch break and right after he is done eating his packed meal — all of it — that Alexander realizes how weird it is that there actually is someone he can ask for advice on this. It is probably the closest thing to a miracle in his entire life — with the possible exclusion of his continued survival.

As infinitesimally small as the chances are, Alex actually knows someone who has gone through this a few years prior. Or at the least something closer to Alex's situation than the average pregnancy by a cisgender woman.

He took his phone out of his pocket and typed a message to Lafayette, inviting xem and xeir family around for later that evening, as well as informing John and Eliza that he had done so, getting messages of their approval within seconds.

With that done, he finds that the metaphorical weight on his chest has gotten lighter and that he can concentrate better. His thoughts are still pressured by the decision he has to make as soon as possible but he can think more clearly and work more productively now.

Or well, he would had Washington not decided months ago that Alex is required to stay out of his office without any papers or his laptop for at least 30 minutes during lunch. It is one of the few fights Alex has ever backed down on, and only because everyone else he knows had gotten involved on Washington's side and he had managed to amend the deal so he could bring his phone.

It is the best deal he possibly could have gotten out of that.

Speaking of his phone, Lafayette had replied to his invitation.

 _LABAGUETTE:_ we'll be happy to come over  
 _LABAGUETTE:_ is there a special reason?

 _:_ yes, but it's not something to discuss over the phone

 _:_ i'll tell you that you're the only person i know who can give me advice on this and you will have to live with that

 _:_ at least for the next couple of hours

 _LABAGUETTE:_ you have made me very curious, mon ami

 _:_ I know.

 _:_ anyway, gtg back to work

* * *

The end of the day rolls around so fast, that Alexander is already waiting outside for his ride before he has the chance to prepare himself emotionally for the evening.

He's even distracted enough that he actually responds to Burr's and Madison's goodbyes, which is something that has not happened in a long time. They seem as surprised about it as he is himself.

At least he still comes up with a new insult for Jefferson. This pregnancy doesn't have _that_ much of an effect on him, luckily.

Or rather, it has not yet. Should he decide to continue, choose not to have an abortion — and he doesn't have all that much longer to decide — then there will be some rather big changes, if not necessarily connected to Jefferson. More than likely not connected to him at all, in fact.

There's the physical aspect. He's almost completely certain that he would have to stop taking the testosterone he had fought so hard and long to actually get. The swelling of his chest — he hasn't gone through top surgery, so yeah, that's going to be a thing — is probably one of the worst things, as he can't even bind as he has for a long time.

Not to forget the fact that Alexander has multiple health issues that are likely to present additional complications as well. There's his lungs, his liver, his returning illnesses, and his permanent exhaustion — that he realizes is a problem, thank you very much, even if he can't bring himself to change anything, as there is just so much he has still left to do.

More even, if there is a kid. Because raising a child is a lot of work, as just about everyone on this planet is aware of.

And the finances! Raising a child would cost money and all three of them were still very much working on paying off their student loans with varying degrees of success. And either they'd have to either rearrange their schedules or take time off or hire someone, none of which made that any easier.

Additionally, there was also the issue of Alex's and John's own, less than stellar childhoods. They had gotten a rather extensive list on what not to do, at least, and John was probably already thinking about books to get to fix that lack of knowledge. Plus, they had Eliza who had a decidedly less traumatic childhood and a relevant job to draw ideas from.

Alex takes a sip of his coffee — somehow he's managed to get himself to opt for decaf. Just in case. He empties the cup at the precise moment he sees John's car pulling up in the distance, just like he had promised, just like he always did when he said he would.

A part of Alex still doubts that John will actually turn up every single time.

"Hello, Alexander," John says suggestively as he stops. The window is already rolled down as it is the middle of summer.

"Hello as well, my dear Laurens," Alex responds in the same manner, entering the car as he does so. Honestly, they had come up with this way of saying each others name — originally as a joke — within their first week or so of meeting and Alex doubts it will ever stop working on him. "How was your day?"

John chuckles as he starts the car up again, eyes focused on the road. "Well, there was this dalmatian, Sterling was the name, who decided that Francis's leg was the ideal spot to pee on."

Alexander snorts. "He deserves it."  
"Alex, you can't hate my exes forever," John informs him sternly.

"Just watch me." He crosses his arms in front of him. "You and Eliza hate on the Kittys as well, after all."

"Yes, but that's _different_. Plus, I don't hate Ned or any of Eliza's exes."

Alex has to give it to him. John and Francis had broken up partly because the former had met him, whereas Kitty Livingston still insisted she was exclusively lesbian to this day, despite the fact she is one of the first people Alexander had come out to.

And they don't talk about the other Kitty, and Alex doesn't think about it either.

He doesn't. It certainly doesn't creep into his nightmares like too many other things in his life. Like the death of his mother, like the suicide of his cousin, like the hurricane, like the fire on the sh-

"Speaking of Ned, he hasn't come around in a while."

John's voice pulls him back into reality. He's gotten good enough at recognizing the signs at a glance.

Alexander blinks a few times to reacclimate himself with his surroundings. The car isn't far from their home where Eliza will already be waiting, as he shit ended before theirs today.

"Yeah," Alex responds slowly, "He's gone back to Nevis for a few months because of his father."

"He'll have to come around the moment he's back. He's always nice to have over. Just like Laf and his family."

Alex frowns. "I thought it's xey today?"

"Oh it is? I haven't spoken with xem yet today," John corrects himself. "Probably good to know."

"Probably, yeah." The thing with Lafayette is that xeir gender sometimes shifts multiple times a day and sometimes not for months. It is one of the reasons why xey had taken to wearing wristbands to signify xeir current gender and the associated pronouns halfway through high school. Not that Alex had known xem back then.

"I'm assuming that you and Laf will be having a conversation of your own for a bit?" There's no need to say what about. Both of them alread know it, after all.

"Yeah, Washington reminded me it was an option. Kinda odd we didn't realize that between the three of us."

"That's true. I guess we had a lot to think about though, you especially. Does Washington actually know?"  
In response, Alexander simply shrugs. "He might have guessed."


End file.
